With the new legislation allowing Columbia University Sophmores-Seniors to dorm with opposite-sex members of the community, fears have been sneaking up of a new outbreak of the Cooties within the Ivy League school’s Harlem seat.
As you may well remember (or may be experiencing now, depending on your level of education), Cooties is a wave of pestilence that has been consistantly sweeping the innocent and curious youths of America’s schools. Though there are no physical signs of illness, infection by the disease can cause immediate stunting of social growth, as well as completely arduous spats with friends as to whether or not one has, in fact, contracted the Cooties. So far, there has been no indication that the disease is life-threatening, but we’re pretty sure it’s the reason Scotty Haskins’ Mom transferred him to that other school district with the shorter school buses.
Of late, President Obama has offered no direct word on the subject, citing merely: “I’m sure pretty soon I’ll have to deal with people relating this to my Healthcare reform.” Just as well, the CDC hasn’t given any word on whether they will be able to supply enough training for Doctors in the “Circle Circle Dot Dot” procedure to be able to effectively treat a jump of the Cooties to College students, and since the general populous doesn’t seem to want to get their H1N1 shots they say: “…they can shove that Circle-Dot sh*t right up their asses!”
Recently, we caught up with one Columbia student as he traveled between lecture halls: “Oh yeah… I used to have that when I was younger. The boys wouldn’t let me hang with them anymore. Then I got laid.”
